Are You Feeding Your Child’s Curiousity?

Dad brought a street puppy home last week in the morning. It was a weekday, so Tanav, my 7 year old son, was out to school at that time. Sohana, my 3 year old daughter, was home though. She had a wonderful time. She goes to her playschool at 11 AM so there was enough time for her to play with this little guy.

By the time Tanav came home, Dad had already taken the puppy back to its mother. Sohana considers this even more fun because she had the exclusive privilege to meet with the pup, and Tanav missed it!

That’s how kids are. Actually, adults are no different, except may be us adults are worse.

Anyway, Sohana shared it with Tanav adding all the intricate details which left him heartbroken. He had missed out on all the fun!

So, Tanav was after Grandpa to bring the puppy again at a time when he was home. After some pestering, Grandpa decided to take the kids to show the puppies. Both Tanav and Sohana headed out with great enthusiasm.

When they returned, Tanav suddenly asked, “Where do we human babies get milk from?“

Apparently, when went there, the puppy was busy being nursed by its mother along with his other 5 siblings. That explained his curiosity.

Quite frankly, whenever such difficult question comes, the first reaction is to skirt it. It is a taboo topic afterall. That’s what we did too. He asked a couple of times, and moved on to something else.

Next day, as Deepti, my wife and I were going to work, we talked about it and decided that we should not ignore our little ones innocent questions. If we did that, he would ultimately stop asking us questions. In any case, children curiosity needs to be fed and he would look for answers from other people or places. We don’t want to take that risk.

In the evening, Deepti explained to Tanav, of course in an age appropriate way, how mums nurse and breastfeed their babies.

Kamasutra
Kamasutra

Tanav even had counter questions such as, “Can a Mom feed someone else’s baby?” and “How long does a baby need to be breastfed?”.

It was difficult for Deepti to share this but we’re glad she did.

Just when we felt relaxed to have been successful in climbing a little parental hill, there was more coming.

Tanav was watching TV, a song was playing that had caught the little man’s attention. I knew something was brewing in his mind. Moments later he asked, “Papa, What is Kamasutra?“

Whoever said parenting was easy!

How to Change A Dull Day Into A Memorable One?

Can you believe how easy it is to change a usual working day into one that we can cherish for times to come?

All it needs is a bit of effort and clear intention to make your relationship grow. My wife, Deepti and I drive back together from work. I was tired and worked up with my mind preoccupied with work related worries. What didn’t go well today, planning tomorrow and other usual stuff. Deepti asked me “Why are you taking a different route today?”

I had taken a turn towards Satya Niketan while we usually go via Dhaula Kuan.

Before I could answer, she added, “Is it because you want to take me out on a coffee date?”

I said, “Yes, of course!” (even though the reality was that I had decided to take the other route hoping there would be less traffic. )

I could have closed the little window of opportunity had I said, “Are you kidding. I have had a long day and I better get home and take some rest!)

On the way, to the coffee shop, we saw many young college-going couples. I wrapped my arms around Deepti the way some of those youngsters were wrapping theirs around their girlfriends. It felt great. I felt younger. All this sounds normal if you’re with your girlfriend or boyfriend, or if you’re recently married but not when you are married for 10 years, and have two small children. Generally, romance ends up taking a backseat and neglect takes the front seat as far as the partners are concerned.

Anyway, we went to Cafe Coffee Day that stands right opposite Venkateshwara college. Deepti ordered a Chocolate Brownie with a Vanilla scoop. I decided that we also have a Latte. We shared our coffee and brownie. We started talking and we got to know things about each other that we didn’t ever know. In fact, we shared a few things that we hadn’t shared with anyone else before!

Our high school days and how we felt in our adolescence.

It is Tuesday today, have to go to work tomorrow and have the rest of the work week waiting to be taken care of. We had stolen just one hour in a week which has taken our relationship in an upward direction. What a fantastic investment of time! All this started with a simple question. Not all days are like that or can be like that. But I think the question really is: Are we paying attention and looking for opportunities to change a simple, run of the mill kind of day into one that becomes a lifetime memory?

[bctt tweet=”Look for windows of opportunities that could change a usual day into a lifetime memory” username=”mohitsawhney”]

In our case, we do. Thank you God for that. Being intentional about this is half the battle won.

We don’t feel guilty for stealing some time for each-other. I was listening to a Barry Ham podcast today where he mentions that many parents give up on the relationship with their partners so badly that they start looking for a husband or wife in their children (for emotional support).

[bctt tweet=”Don’t look for a husband or wife in your children! – Barry Ham” username=”mohitsawhney”]

Strength of relationship and bonding between partners also gives children a better sense of security, peace and happiness. So, keep looking for opportunities to make your bond stronger. Wish ya the best!

What’s Your Mission This Month?

“It is so scary, any vehicle could hit on the foot rest!”, said Mom instantly as I opened the entrance door to let her in. Her words sounded as if I was the one responsible for her plight.

“What happened, Mom?”, I asked already knowing that she was complaining about the two wheeler (scooter) ride with Dad. She comes back with Dad on his scooter after her daily evening walks in the park.

“I am not sitting on the God forsaken scooter ever again!” replied Mom.

By now I was getting irritated. I controlled myself and said in a very plain matter-of-factly tone, “You have said that at least 20,000 times before, Mom!”

This was the first time I had responded that way. But I had to say it, not because I wanted to upset Mom further or to trivialize what she was trying to say but because that was the truth! Well, the count of 20k is an exaggeration but the point is that Dad is almost 70, Mom 66 and what I have heard ever since I was a child are a lot of complains.

Kids Grow Up So Fast
Be grateful for what you have and stop complaining – it bores everybody else, does no good, and doesn’t solve any problems.  – Zig Ziglar

 

Perhaps we all do such seemingly harmless venting out every now and then. Things after all don’t always go as we please. But there are still some options one has:

1. Complain, complain, complain… (the chosen option always so far!)

2. Be happy that God has been kind to let you travel with your partner. (too far fetched?)

3. Convince your partner and get him to bring the car for you (too difficult , life is not a romantic movie, or may be you can give it a try and make it one?)

4. Get convinced and make your own arrangement to come back. (too bold? Going against your husband when you should instead be making sacrifices for him! How can a woman go against her man for selfish interest?)

Option 1 seems to be the wrong-est to me.

One – It doesn’t help you. Especially if you complain to me, a third person. Unless, of course,  if you wanted me to help you, which you clearly don’t (as I have realized over the years). For if I do talk to Dad, you would come back defending Dad and say that “It’s okay, at least he picks me up!”. I have been confused enough and don’t want to remain so any further.

Two – It doesn’t help Dad. He is practical with a capital P! He can’t understand emotions, so either you stop coming back with him or stop complaining! Period.

Three, and most importantly (as far as I am concerned) – It doesn’t help me. Parents need to realize that the moods of parents impact the children’s moods directly. Even if I am feeling low, I should be cautious in sharing my feelings with my children, unless I want them to help me. I need to be clear how I would want them to help me. Otherwise, the sheer lack of clarity or sharing for the heck of it, is only going to cause harm to both the parties. You feel worse by re-living those moments – of being driven in a haggard scooter when Dad has two cars waiting in the garage to come out. The child (I) will feel miserable simply because the parent feels so, and on top of that, the feeling of being helpless for the person who means the world to the child.

I don’t doubt your intentions Mom. Not even once! Just that you didn’t think this would cause any harm. But well, that’s what it did!

Took me a long time (half the average lifespan in India) to realize this. It’s a very long time. A lot of life. But I have learnt my lesson. As a parent, I need to be careful, for my child will never be happy to see his Dad or his Mom unhappy and helpless. So, let me not get him or her into a situation like that unless I genuinely need them to help. If I need them to help, I would need to phrase it differently. Otherwise, don’t care to share with them. In fact, care enough not to share with them. 

I love you Mom, and can’t thank God enough for blessing me with you as my Mom. You always meant the world to me and always will. I owe to you whatever I am today. As I pass on the good things to gen next, I also should put a stop to the few that didn’t work. That’s all!

The men are playing the men’s game on facebook, “No Shave November” this month. Can I challenge the parents to a No Complains December?  

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An Untold Story

RAINDROPS

Last Sunday morning, as I sat on my sofa, holding a mug of hot milk, lazily looking out of the window, watching the raindrops falling, my thoughts went back to the movie I’d seen the previous night – Drishyam.

Drishyam means “to visualize“. 

Just in case you’re thinking this will be yet another blog on the Creative Visualization process, let me tell you (in what now sounds like a desperate attempt to prevent you from clicking that X button on your browser), this is not going to be that. Well, not that I have any thing against the subject, just that I feel that a lot has been written about it already and, besides, I am no expert on the subject.

Neither am I going to act like a spoiler for those who haven’t seen the movie yet. So, don’t you worry about that!

So, as I sat there, dreaming with my eyes wide open, Mom entered the room, derailing my train of random thoughts.

“Good Morning!”, Mom said as she settled on the sofa beside me.

“Morning Mom!”, I replied.

She fetched The Hindustan Times from the center table, flipped a few pages before settling for a few minutes on a news article. I noticed that Mom’s mood was turning sombre as she finished reading. 

Then she said, “You know what, Mohit!”

“What Mom… Is everything Okay?”, I asked with genuine concern.

“I want to tell you something.”, she replied with a dreamy, faraway look in her eyes.  

Then, she took me back in time… 65 years back and shared the story of her Grandpa. A story I’d not an inkling of, until today!

 GRANDPA’S STORY

Mom’s Grandpa had three sons. His youngest son died of Typhoid at a very early age.  No parent can bear such a loss and neither could Grandpa. 

Grandpa started living the life of a saint – bore long hair, wore saffron clothes and hardly spoke to anyone. The only time he spoke was when he talked to himself. 

Everyone thought that the old man had gone crazy!

And then, one wintry morning, the crazy old man did the unthinkable! He went into the bathroom, locked himself in and what came out from the space between the wooden door and the bathroom wall, were thick dark fumes. 

Family members tried their best to save Grandpa, but the crazy old man had executed his plan to a tee. Howsoever crazy he might have been, he was smarter than the rest of the family members.

As the grief stricken family performed Grandpa’s last rites,  they also made a pact to not share this secret with anyone. The version that was shared was that Grandpa’s death was an accident!

 WRONG OR WRONGED?

Mom paused. 

I was still aghast with questions open in my mind- Why did the family decide to keep this under covers? Was it some guilt? And why was Mom sharing it with me now?

Mom’s eyes answered these questions – A poor family, already in grief, couldn’t have had the strength to face up to an unsparing society and our ruthless systems. 

– A society which is more interested in what’s going wrong in your house rather than their own!

– a police which has an agenda of it’s own. (After all, such are the times to make a fast buck!)

– A judiciary which is so painfully slow. (One of my uncles put this point across well, “Tortoise is put to shame for nothing, what is actually really really slow, is our judicial system!“).

All that would only mean additional pain and humiliation for a family which was already struggling to make it’s ends meet.

I looked at Mom. She looked older than before. I hadn’t noticed when those wrinkles had started showing on her lovely face. 

I heard the rain pelting away at the living room window. As I looked out again, my thoughts once again went back to the movie, Drishyam – How a man hides a serious incident to protect his family of humiliation and shame. 

The family was not guilty but it was forced to hide. They were not wrong, just wronged. That is what our society, our police, our media forces us to do.

Our society and systems are calling for a change – a change which is perhaps happening but not as fast as it should. And until things change, don’t be surprised if your Dad or Mom or Aunt are secretly burdened under the weight of an untold story.

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How Well Do You Know Your Child?

I recently saw the video of Otto Frank, Anne Frank’s father.

One of the things he says in this video quite touched me. He says that, “Anne and I were very close and used to talk about everything under the sun. However, when I read her diaries, I discovered a very different Anne than the one I knew as my daughter. I didn’t ever know this side of her which was so serious and had such deep thoughts and feelings.“

Otto Frank claims in the same video that most people don’t really know their children.

That’s not me though, I thought. Perhaps, you think the same. 

OK. What if the question was “How well do I know my kids?”

“Very well.”

“..better than I know my own self!”

I am sure many parents will be tempted to say something similar to one of the options from the list above. I know because I had felt the same way. Until.. yesterday.

YESTERDAY

I had my own perception of how Tanav would rank his closest play friends, in order of his preference or likeness. It was based on my own assessment of them and what I had heard from conversations with Tanav.

My challenge was to see how close my ranking was to Tanav’s ranking of them!

I asked him who he would rank first, second and so on and why. Below are the findings:

(♥names changed to protect myself from being killed by their parents♥)

(♥although I have an decryption algorithm to get to their real names even 30 years from now .. Hasta la vista, baby 🙂 ♥)

#1 Mishika– She brings snacks and always shares with me.

#2 Sharad– He is also my mate at the handwriting classes. The more I know him, the more I like him.

#3 Aryan – He is straight forward.

#4 Nancy – She smells badly!

#5 Tanvi – She cheats!

..Well, my assessment couldn’t have been more wrong! Here’s what I had thought about Tanav’s preference:

#1 Nancy – She is nice, helpful and docile. (Well. but the sweat! How about we gift you a deodorant on your birthday?)

#2 Tanvi – She is very sharp and bright kid. (You don’t need to cheat kiddo, and if you do, at least don’t get caught!)

#3 Mishika – Nice but clever and nagging. (Ok, you are the sharing kinds too. Kudos!)

#4 Sharad – He is little and doesn’t get it! (..but you’re always there!)

#5 Aryan – He is a bully! (and one who doesn’t mince words!)

How Well Do You Know Them?

I recalled in the evening that Tanav had forgotten to rank Jannat.

Jannat, the cute little girl who he plays with and is very fond of. Once Dad had brought a puppy home, and I saw Tanav daydreaming about Jannat, “If Jannat likes Sohana (Tanav’s little sister) so much, I wonder how much would she like this puppy!”

I asked him later at night, “Hey Tanav, you forgot to rank Jannat?”

“Papa, move Mishika down from where she was before, and replace her with Jannat.”, was his instant reply.

I was amazed with his promptness and couldn’t help recall the endless hours we usually spend in ranking our work subordinates during the annual performance appraisals.

I asked, “Why is Jannat at #1 Tanav?”

He moved away from TV and stepped closer to me, “..because she is very this” he said as he pulled my left cheek with his right hand.

I get it, buddy! At least, we are on the same page on this.

Well. Now, it’s your turn to take the challenge. Wish you good luck! Please do share your findings and comments below.

What’s on Top of Your Mind?

Daddy, I have a surprise for you!”

Tanav, my 6 year old son, shouted from inside the living room, as Champa, our helper was opening the door for me. It was about 6 o’clock in the evening and Deepti and I were just back from work.

“I cant imagine how happy you’d be when you know what it is!”, He said.

I was more happy to realize that my little son is now grown up enough to give me surprises! It just fills your heart, you know!

He ran to his toy room and came back with his hands wrapped around something just enough to tantalize me.

“What is it, Tanav?”, I asked curiously.What on Your Mind?

He unwrapped his little hands from around it and what I saw really amazed me.

It was my lost and now found pen!

“What’s so special about a pen?”, is what you are thinking, right?

Well, nothing, except when it is my pen. I have several and love each one. Each one has part of my life in it. If I lose one, it hurts. No, it bleeds!

Ask a writer what his pen means to him. 

You may still be trying to come to terms with my unique obsession, but my little boy, Tanav knows it very well. To tell you a little secret, and to warn you: I have kleptomaniacal tendencies when it comes to any stationary items!

“Wooow!”, I said.

Nothing could have been a better surprise for me. Not at this time, for sure! 

This was an expensive pen which I had gifted myself a few months back. It was lost a few days back at Mussourie, where we’d been on a vacation.

Perhaps the room cleaners misplaced it, or stole it. That couldn’t be true though. Why would any one want to steal a pen? Not unless they really intended to play with my emotions.

Heartbroken, I had written it off. Collateral damage! But the images of it had kept coming back even to this day.

And now, it was in front of me! Like a dream come true.

Tanav had found it in his pouch while he was playing with Sohana, his 2 year old sister.

My little son knew what’s my top of mind.

Do you know what is at the top of your wife’s mind, your son’s, your daughter’s?

I bet you don’t. Because our minds are usually preoccupied with useless thoughts, such as:

  • ..the bad bad world.
  • ..what will they think?
  • ..he/ she (sometimes even the spouse!) is trying to walk away with all the credit!
  • ..the weather!
  • ..death and what happens after?

Do these thoughts help you or your family in any way?

While we are focusing on fear, worry, or hate, it is not possible for us to be experiencing happiness, enthusiasm or love.

If you’re still thinking what is your loved one’s top of mind, let me just say,

he that seeketh, findeth!

My wife’s top concern is the WIFI on her MotoX phone which hasn’t been working. It’s been over 2 months. I have been coolly ignoring it. It’s not my problem, after all!

But the smile it would bring to her face if I do get it fixed would be worth the effort. This week. Or a new phone.

Be present. Know the top of mind of your loved ones. And be intentional about doing what you can once you know it.

Your little effort may give them the wings to fly or at least get them an inch closer to their dreams. You never know!

Learn from your kids. If my 6 year old son can, what’s wrong with you and me?

If you like this post, then show the love by sharing your thoughts.  Wishing all the fellow and future dad’s a very HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

Can The “Average You” Be Successful?

THE FUN RACE

I had got back home after running The Devil’s Circuit last evening.

Devil’s Circuit is considered to be the BIGGEST obstacle running series in India. A 5 KM run with 15 commando-styled obstacles: bloody logs, torture trenches, barbed wires, swimming icy-cold water, pools of shrill, deadly swings et al.!

I participate in runs occasionally. It is a fun way to test my limits. But this one was different and very rugged!

I was so wasted and yet so happy! (see my family picture right after the run.)

I had brought back with me: a sense of pride, a slight headache and a lot of mud all over me.

After a shower and a failed attempt to wash away the mud from my shoes, I dozed off.Average You

THE RAT RACE

When I woke up, Deepti, my wife, told me that she had been to the chemist to bring some aspirin for me (she’s a sweetheart!). But she looked a bit upset.

The Chemist, Mr. Batra is our neighbor. His son, Raghav and Tanav, our 6 year old son, study in the same grade albeit in different schools (and thankfully so! You’ll agree as you read further).

Deepti told me about the conversation she had with him.

Mr. Batra: “Aren’t you waiting for Tanav’s results, with bated breath?”

Deepti: “Well, kind of. We’re eager to see his teacher and find out how he’s been doing.”

Mr. Batra: “We are so curious to find out if Raghav stood First in the class this time or Second!”

Deepti: “Really? Wow!”

Mr. Batra: “What about Tanav? Does he stand First or Second in his class?” 

(Yes, he had the audacity to ask that!)

Deepti: “Well, they don’t have ranks in his school in junior grades.”

Mr. Batra: “But you would have an idea, won’t you?”

Deepti: “No..”

Now I understood why Deepti was upset. She must have been infuriated with the conversation.

“What would you have said had he asked you?” She asked me.

I told her, “I don’t know about myself but if it was Tanav’s Grandpa, he would surely have said – Tanav is always No. 1. Numero Uno!”

Which he is. And which he always will be! For us – as parents.

Tanav surprises me with his curiosity and his fresh ideas totally amaze me.  He enjoys learning and loves a few subjects a lot. He is a happy kid.

But he is not good at everything! In the usual parlance, he is ‘an average‘, or, at best, ‘an above average‘ child.

BEING “AVERAGE”

Deepti’s conversation with Mr. Batra reminded me of a workshop I had recently attended.

A well-built, tall and confident man, Vikram, had conducted it. It was a fantastic workshop but I remembered what Vikram said in the end:

“I am a very average man.”

A lot of inquisitive heads turned in the audience.

He continued, “I’ve had highs and lows in my career. What has made me successful though is the process I follow rather than my intelligence or my smartness.”

He didn’t need to say that he was average. Why did he? But by doing so, he had done me and many others a huge favor.

I always thought that being average was a sign of weakness and shame. And here was Vikram, acknowledging that he was average and, yet, apparently very successful!

Everyone’s perspective changed. Vikram was successful not because he was gifted, smart or intelligent, but despite his flaws and despite being average. He was like one of us in the room.

WHAT IS MY PROCESS?

What process was Vikram referring to? Did Tanav have one? Would Tanav be successful?

These questions were bothering me.

Eureka! There was, indeed, one mantra (call it process) that often worked both for Tanav and me:

  1. Think of what you want to do.
  2. Start doing it.
  3. Finish it.
  4. Praise yourself for what you did.

Sounds simple, right?

It is!

And it worked! It kept us in the ‘upward spiral of confidence’.

Only problem was that we weren’t intentional about it. I decided to be so now and not give up when going got tough or failures happened!

Do you have a process that works for your child? If not, install one today. Commit to the process. You will be surprised at the wonderful things your child can create. And success will follow.

The best part of a blogpost is the discussion it triggers. If you liked this post, then show the love by sharing it further and leaving a comment.

What A Game Of Monopoly Taught Me!

I got up from my desk and asked Tanav, my 6 year old son, “C’mon buddy, let’s play something?“

It was the kind of asking parents do after a sudden sense of guilt of not spending enough time with their kids.

Children are so forgiving. An adult version would have replied, “No thank you! If you don’t have any time for me, then don’t expect me to have time for you!”

But Tanav loved the idea, “Shall we play Monopoly?“.

“Sure, but you’ll have to teach me how to play!“, I said.

“Really? You don’t know how to play Monopoly?“, He asked.

“No, I don’t. Will you teach me?” I felt ashamed and happy at the same time. Ashamed of not knowing the game and happy to see Tanav’s face lit up perhaps at the thought of teaching his Dad.

NO PAIN NO GAIN

This version of Monopoly was based on Children’s Entertainment Park.

Monopoly
Junior Monopoly

“The person who loses all his money first loses.” He said seriously.

I said, “Really?”

“Yes!“, He replied sounding like he was sharing a trade secret.

We started playing the game.

I noticed he was not buying anything. When I asked, he said, “Remember, the person who loses all his money first loses?”

“Yeah, but if you don’t buy anything, you won’t be able to grow your money and what you have will run out with time.“, I said.

I, on the other hand, went on a buying spree – I bought a Roller Coaster, a Mini Golf course and a Merry Go Round.

I felt I was building an empire like MJ’s Neverland. Our light bulbs flickered a bit confirming that Michael Jackson felt uncomfortable in his grave. 

Meanwhile, Tanav appeared very happy seeing me lose my money.

The tables turned soon enough for Tanav though. He was spending money every time he landed on my properties – which were too many for his liking.

This was perhaps the rare occasion when he wasn’t happy with his otherwise favorite rides.

He realized his folly and changed his strategy.  Soon, he too possessed a Helicopter Ride and Loop-the-Loop.

He jumped with excitement each time I had to pay him to take his rides.

Being a parent is a blessing. We never have to worry about losing. We win either way. I let Tanav win.

WAKE UP CALL

Tanav might have learnt something from me, but for me it was as if this woke me from deep sleep.

I had been very busy being busy. I was not doing what I had been preaching Tanav.

I had not taken any action although I had been thinking about investing for children’s future since long. If thinking alone could take one forward, I would be among the front runners!

Money my wife and I had kept aside was deteriorating in value without being invested. I had been acting a bit like Tanav holding on to his money.

Tanav is still learning but what excuse do I have?

THINK BIG, START SMALL, BEGIN NOW

“The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. But the second best time is NOW!”

The moment one begins, a guiding force from above comes to help. That happened with me the very next day at work.

A colleague suggested an investment plan which he had chosen for his children.

I searched on Google and several options popped up in front of me.

I got a call from a financial adviser the same evening.

The information overload can lead one into further procrastination though.

“Procrastination is my sin, it brings me naught but sorrow;
I know that I should stop it, in fact I will, … but tomorrow!”

For every plan you select, a seemingly better one is available. The point is that ‘either one of those plans’ is better than ‘not investing at all’.

I am glad I finally made two investment decisions for my children’s and our own future.

Kids Grow Up So Fast
Kids Grow Up So Fast

Pheww! I just saved myself. Tanav and Sohana, my two year old daughter, would be grown up soon. They would have asked me why didn’t I invest knowing so well that, “..if you don’t buy anything, you won’t be able to grow your money and what you have will run out with time.”

I hope you too have saved yourself from this embarrassment.

If you like this post, then show the love by sharing the investment decisions you have made that let you sleep peacefully at night.

I Know Who Can Help You!

That Evening:

Deepti, my wife, rushed to get Sameer, our friendly neighborhood doctor. I had told her a while back something that sounded like, “I am dying!”

I haven’t died before but I assumed it couldn’t be worse than this.

Sameer walked upstairs and asked me how I was feeling.

How was I feeling?

It was very hard to describe.  I tried rambling something:

  • a pain in the stomach and ankle ..and everywhere else!
  • not enough oxygen is going into my system!
  • I’m sleepy all the time ..except at night!

What I should have told him that I didn’t:

  • I was scared – of everything and everyone
    • ..of doing things I loved to do!
    • ..of being successful (funny, coz’ I am nowhere close to that!)
    • ..of looking people in the eye
    • ..of my own self
  • I was living in a trance state
    • ..can’t clearly differentiate between reality and imaginations
    • ..have no interest in anything, not food, not life
  • I was running away
    • worried about home at work and about work at home
    • hate to say this but from my faith and God!
  • I didn’t trust anyone
    • not myself and not even my loved ones
    • no one else in this bad bad world
    • not the ground below my feet which shakes

Why Not Share the Truth?

I kept insisting that I had physical conditions – breathlessness, drowsiness, body pain… but hid the morbid feelings, the fear of dying and yet feeling a need for it. That I had a constant longing to hear the sound of  breathing of my loved ones.

It seems funny now but I didn’t see myself in the mirror at a store’s changing room. I pinched myself to check if I was alive. I was! It was just that the mirror was inclined at such an angle.

I didn’t believe it could happen to me. Perhaps, I feared I would speak myself into believing that I was depressed. Besides, what will they think?

“I am not going mad, okay! and what about the heavy breathing and this pain, is that in my head too?”

The Journey:

I saw many specialists and generalists. Several tests.

Anti-anxiety pills, Yoga, forced exercises followed.

One doctor even suggested that I install cameras at home. That’s what he was doing to be at peace,“Look, here’s my iPhone that shows real-time images of my house’s front and back gates and porch.”

One pointed out of his window and asked, “What do you see?”

Then said, “You will see what you want to see. Either see the beauty or the dirt.”

I came back and cursed him for the fee he charged for giving me that Stupid Gyan!

I can understand why I was skirting the issue. What I can’t understand is why the doctors were shying away. After all, they can talk about anything with little hesitation. If you’ve ever been to a urologist or gynecologist, then you know what I mean!

Thank God It’s Over!

I felt tired of it all. But Deepti didn’t ever give up.

She pushed me into seeing the nth doctor. This guy was different though. He said it on my face, “This is called Depression“.

A few tears rolled down Deepti’s cheeks.

I felt lighter.

Doctor added, “If there is one person who can help you out, then that is You. Medicines will help but only if you help yourself!.”

When he said this, something changed in me. I guess I had accepted for the first time that it can happen to me. That I needed to own this for myself. It’s easy to get used to becoming dependent on others.

[bctt tweet=”Nobody can bring you peace but yourself!”]

I also got treated for Vertigo. I am still not sure if I was suffering from it or not.

It took a lot of time to become completely normal. 2014. Thank God you’re over!

I imagine my wife during this time. It should have felt like living with the dead or even worse: living with someone who’s hallucinating and perhaps has suicidal or murderous tendencies!

She didn’t feel any of this. She was concerned but completely normal. More patient that she has ever been. More confident of me than I was about myself. There was one question which she asked daily, “How are you feeling? On a scale of 1 to 10?”

My scores gradually moved up.

If This Sounds Familiar:

You are not alone. Face it. Own it.

Hang in there.

Have faith.

There is one person who can surely bring you back to life: You!

..just remember: This too shall pass!